Why I Embraced My Dark Side

No matter the abundance of divine love, oneness, or inner peace that comes from expanding self-awareness in spirituality, there is always the other side of the coin. Yin/Yang. Light/dark. Good/evil. Along my personal journey of awakening there have been massive, unexpected blows of suffering and pain due to trying to focus only on the positivity and light and love. In evolutionary astrology these harsh lessons are often the most important facets of increased self-realization. The great teacher Ram Dass often referred to this as "grist for the mill". Without the darker side of truth, growth is only superficial.

In my own hilarious experience, I once believed that learning about spiritually awakening meant I was complete and perfect and done with the hard work. It was like sitting in a class on day one, and walking out thinking I was about to graduate because I heard what the class was going to be about. The ego is very funny and mischievous in that way- it always tries telling us we are right and superior in our thinking.

For example, some days I can read a great spiritual text or hear a profound speech by a guru and think I am elevated away from my humanness. Then I go out in my car, listening to high-frequency tones to keep the high vibes flowing, and a driver does something rude like honks at me for going too slow. Suddenly my emotions are flooding my mind and I feel small again, a victim wanting to point out to this driver that it was not my fault. Twenty minutes later I may still be replaying that one incident in my head, trying to validate myself to... myself.

Righteousness is called the "golden thread" of trouble in spiritual practices as well. Meaning well can cause all kinds of problems. My own shadow work of my "kind, caring, and spiritually worried" side has proven some of my most painful of lessons. My default personality is that of intense curiosity. In astrology, I'm a Double Scorpio cosmic detective with the desire to cut through the small-talk and get straight to the deepest of traumas. While I cannot turn off my intuitive radar completely, I have learned the hard way about respecting others boundaries. I have also learned that the majority of people do not want to unleash their darkest secrets of pain to someone they hardly know, especially in a casual setting. The lesson learned, over time, is now to let everyone be themselves. Walls up and all, there should never be an excavation without consent.

So my mission in life is not to dissect every person I meet and try to help them see what I see. Just because I am open and ready to talk about everything does not mean others are or should be forced to "because I mean well". This has been a really hard lesson as an empath and very sensitive person. I can sense what others are carrying beneath their smiles and I want to help. Unless my own capacity is low, then I shut myself down from others. Ironic, isn't it? This is the hard facts about the shadow work.

The trick, as it seems to me, is to be available for people in a way that makes their soul feel safe but not vulnerable. The ego can jump in at any time- that's when I notice my thoughts are all judgements about the person. The soul, however, holds space and compassion and lots of patience for the other soul. The soul understands that time is an illusion, so therefore there is no need to save everyone right now. Each is on their own adventure and no one likes to be rushed along, myself included.

I have felt profound loneliness in these lessons too. Loneliness from being the highly intuitive person that naturally starts digging without permission, and loneliness from being a soul connected to everyone but seen by no one. It is a quite the dilemma. I am having to constantly monitor myself compassionately, and inquire whether I am trying to fix the mood around me so I do not suffer from the feelings of "bad vibes" I do not enjoy feeling. I am learning to practice authenticity in my relationships and being honest about my need of solitude, instead of going out all the time and accommodating everyone by reading their moods and trying to jazz them up. I realize this will limit my friendships and invites, but it is because of my truth that I am still learning to use my built-in radar in a healthy way and learning how to protect my own boundaries and energy. So I am no better than any other person. I am in human school and make mistakes just as often as I make advances. Everyone just has a different course of study.

The spiritual path and human life is riddled with ego-trip hang-ups and master lessons in "absolute truths". Humility, compassion, and a good sense of humor seem to be the tools that have helped me face and respect my dark side. I wish everyone the same along their own journey. :)